Four Miracles

I am back in China for trip number five. Every time I return I think it is my last trip. When I get that twinge in my heart that says “time to go back” I say” yes”, but still go kicking and screaming. I don’t like leaving my family and comforts of home for 5 weeks. I am spoiled. I like things the way I like them, my bed, my shower, food, vehicles, and language communication. There are a lot of discomforts of China I consider when I commit to going back.

Miracle #1: I have already experienced miracles in returning to China. I took $800 out of my personal account last week to get exchanged for foreign currency. I was not sure how I would pay it back. I asked some friends and family for support. Yesterday I received a few more checks that totaled $795 in donations! I am so grateful!

Miracle #2: I ordered some charms on oriental trader to make bracelets for my students as gifts. {It is kind of ironic that I am ordering from a company that probably gets their goods in China to take to China}. The charms were supposed to be delivered last week but did not come. The night before I left I was at Hobby Lobby at 8:00 p.m. looking for charms. I interrupted two ladies who were talking about jewelry making and asked if they knew where I could find 100 charms that time of night. They said they didn’t know of any stores open they have gone to. One of the ladies, Mariel said” I might have 100 charms.” I asked if she would sell them to me and explained that I needed them for my students in China that night.  She took my business card, went home and checked to see, called me 30 minutes later and said “yes I have 100 heart charms I will sell you for $25.” I was elated and picked up 110 charms at 9:00 p.m. I still had to finish packing and called my teenage neighbor girls enlisting their help in putting a heart charm on a rope I got earlier. They said Yes!!! At 11:00 p.m. the girls brought over 100 bracelets all made in a bag ready to put in my suitcase. It was a miracle!

Miracle#3: My China orchid plant in my kitchen window continues to amaze me. Every time I leave or return from China it gets new blossoms. I noticed a few days before I left it had new buds on it ready to open.

Miracle #4: I booked my flight on Priceline and found the perfect schedule for $1100 round trip. I have students who have graduated who are now working in Shanghai and Beijing. This flight had an overnight lay over in Shanghai going so I could have dinner with my students there. On my return flight I have an overnight layover in Beijing so I can have dinner with my students who reside there as well.

I continue to be blessed with so many miracles every time I go to China I cannot help but to think I have a purpose greater than I can see and name.  I don’t always know why and quit asking once I get that confirmation in my gut that I am supposed to go. I just go with the flow and have faith it will be whatever it is to be.

What's In It For Me?

I have not written in a long time. I have had multiple breakdowns and can give many excuses but the truth is I haven’t written. I miss it. There is a 12 step program for AA that is very powerful and teaches some great things. I have not intentionally been doing the fourth step but realized that is what has been happening in my life the past four months. Without planning or even acknowledging until recently I have been “making a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.” Wow this has been tough! I asked last November if I could have the gift of discernment, if I could know what is true and real in all aspects of life. I also made a declaration that I would teach A Woman’s Voice seminar in 2015 and publish my book in 2015. It did not occur to me when I asked for that it would mean discerning what is true and real about myself, and I would be challenged so much on creating my seminar.  Thus, the journey began. It seems that every morning I woke up I was confronted with a new behavior about myself that really bothered me. It wasn’t just little things, but things I have been hiding about myself  my whole life. I am not a murderer or sinner of all the big sins, but I am not the person I want to be . I know I can have a light and a gift that will inspire others but I have not been using it to its full value. It’s been a little bit here and there not full out spread my light like a light house kind of thing.

One of my students once said “suffering is a life of the best university”. She then said “I am encouraged to overcome misery, and face hardship bravely. I tell myself I’ll become stronger, so I’m thankful for bitterness.” She is a brave girl. Now, I have to say I am a brave girl.The sorrow and pain I have experienced the past few months have been unbearable at times but it certainly makes the good days and joy more joyful.

There is a purpose in me teaching A Woman’s Voice. I feel many forces trying to stop me and make me quit. I taught women in China to have a voice,  and take a stand for themselves to make a difference in the world. It is time to teach women in America!  I am scared, nervous, excited and encouraged to keep moving forward to teach. Fear was a huge part of my experience while I was in China but I forged ahead and did things I didn’t think I could do. It taught how much fortitude I had and how anything was possible if I just said yes and did it anyway. There were many times I was lonely or worried about the next class, or speech I had to give. I didn’t want to feel the pain, I wanted to run from it and make it go away. The same thing happens for me now. I want to run from the pain but know that if I will only walk through it to the end that it will teach me more than I can imagine. I don’t know what is at the end of this moral inventory journey I am on. There will be the ups and downs and I accept them because I want to be more, more of what I am capable of being.If I am to help other women who feel badly about themselves, then I need to see myself for all I am and then accept all of me the good , the bad and the ugly. My life is good, it is full and has so much to be happy and grateful for. It is my being and who I am being that I am searching to make whole and complete with this process.

What’s in for Me, seemed to be the appropriate title for this blog because that is where I go every day. Why me God? What am I supposed to learn from this? What I am learning is; I am human, I have flaws I am not perfect and never will be. There might be someone who does not like me or I might not like someone. I might not be happy all the time or do or say all the right things. I am getting acquainted with all these weaknesses in myself so I can see where my strengths are. I have been watching myself go through this and feel a little like a thief. I have been stealing from myself what is possible for me and those I am in relationships with. When I am living my life more fully and with my gifts I have more to share. Remember we are all children of God even if we start out as resident thieves.

Writing A Good Story

When my kids were young we played a game called squiggle. I would draw a line or squiggle on a paper and give it to them and they had to finish and create something out of it with their own lines using what I started with. I have learned that’s very much what I am like when I have an experience or interaction with any human being. When someone says or does something in my direction it’s as though they’ve handed my a squiggle and said “now do something with it.” I know that’s not always the truth but I have certainly made it truth for most of my life.
Take an experience, any experience will do. My mind can take any incident and turn it into a story within minutes or seconds because I make it mean something. For example my husband was saying a prayer on our meal the other day and he was blessing me and hesitated before he said my name. What did I do with that? I asked if he forgot my name. It is very easy to come up with a story because it validates our feelings and makes us right.
There is a cost we pay in living in these stories. We lose connectedness with the one we made up something about. If I am determined that my story be right I can be sure the person I made it up about will feel blamed and pull away. Think of an incident in your life recently of something that happened that you created a good story about. I was driving the other day when a man honked at me. I immediately thought: “what did I do wrong? Is he mad at me, why did he honk? How rude I didn’t even do anything. I am not going to look his direction or I might honk back or give him a dirty look.” The other side of that story could be he was honking at another car, maybe he knows me, maybe my gas tank lid is off or he was warning me. There are multiple stories that could be written about a horn honk when all it was , was a horn honking.
Everyone is an author, the one and only author of their life. Now it is time to choose. Do we want to be the author of stories we make up or do we want to live the real life, by naming what happened and stop? My husband hesitated before he said my name, the man honked his horn, that’s it. What could our minds do with so much space and clarity if it’s not always making up stories about an incident? For me it is like having a clean slate to be creative, to let myself love and be loved without agendas.
I am grateful for my stories, they teach me and give me things to laugh and cry about. They have also brought me a great deal of unnecessary suffering. When something happens in life that’s painful (and it will) we feel pain. The extreme, lengthy suffering from the experience comes from the meaning we place on it. Next time an incident happens in your life (which is daily), stop, name it and move on without writing a novel about it. Acknowledge yourself for your clarity and move forward. Now it’s time to write your story truth or suffering?

Gratitude In All Things

Tis the season to be grateful. Isn’t it funny that we have a season to be grateful? It is nice to have a special time each year to reflect and express gratitude and I would like to suggest we be grateful in all things at all times. Thomas Monson said; “giving thanks not only helps us recognize our blessings, but it also unlocks the doors of heaven and helps us feel God’s love.” A Greek philosopher Epictetus said: ” he is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has.” I watched a short video from a TV evangelist the other day sharing the 80/20 theory. Do we look for the 20% we don’t have rather than focusing on the 80% that we do have?”
I have had the opportunity to go to China four times in the past four years to teach at a women’s leadership academy on a university campus. I have some wonderful students who come from rural homes that I have visited and have lived their whole lives very much like the pioneers. Outdoor toilets, no electricity, dirt floors,a roof over their head, land to cultivate and plant food on, animals to raise and eat or sell, and a village of friends and family. When I went back last fall I went to the home of one of my students. Her mother and I met the previous spring and became fast friends. Even though we did not speak the same language it didn’t matter, we loved each other. She called me “her sister in a faraway land.” Gloria (my student) told me her parents moved from the country to the city into a home with a yard so they could have a tree and a garden. We were going to spend three days at her home and I had envisioned in my mind what that home might look like.
As our driver drove down market street lined with vendors selling live fish, chickens, vegetables and fruits I saw her mother standing waving excitedly for our arrival. We exchanged hugs and kisses and she started wildly talking to me as I nodded in approval. We walked down an alley to the big red door entrance to their home. It was a cement patio area with a tree in a pot and other herbs in pots, and a cement building with four rooms. It was actually quite large compared to the country homes I had visited. I don’t know why I felt so shocked but I was. I had a bedroom to myself with a hard wood bed with a one inch cushion, I am sure she bought new sheets for me because Gloria seemed impressed with them. The bathroom was just off the kitchen with a toilet on the ground and a shower nozzle just above it. Her kitchen had running water, and a stove with gas burners. This is far beyond what the village homes had, but I was still wondering how can I stay here? I decided to be grateful for what was there. After hearing what they had come from, this was like living in a mansion for them. A year before I arrived they did not have a bathroom or running water, they built a fire to cook on and used the community bathroom down the street.I felt sorry for myself at first, and couldn’t sleep very well. I tossed and turned and hoped the three days would pass quickly. It was then that I realized I was missing the whole experience of being in the home of my dear friend in a faraway land, and how hard she worked to make my stay comfortable.
Gloria received a text and handed it to me and said: “what does this mean?” It said;”Are you present to how you are not present in this moment?” I asked her who it was from and she did not know. I told her it was a message for me and thanked her for relaying it. They don’t have fortune cookies in China but God certainly found a way to share with me a message I needed to hear. I became present to each moment and grateful for every little thing. I still cried a few nights as we went on to visit other homes. But, I became acutely aware of the good things, like a can of almond milk, a sweet breakfast bread, a bowl of porridge that seemed familiar, or a western toilet. It truly is gratitude that heals the heart and expands the mind. Dieter Uchtdorf said :” When we are grateful to God in our circumstances, we can experience gentle peace in the midst of tribulation. We sometimes think being grateful is what we do after our problems are solved, but how terribly shortsighted that is. How much of life do we miss by waiting to see the rainbow before thanking God that there is rain?”
If we express gratitude in all things we become present to every circumstance we are in. We look for the joy in the storms and for the life we are living not the life we might have.Take in the good and the bad, let it be a part of our life, and don’t wish each day away. A good friend of mine who was a Dr. passed away about 6 years ago. His voice mail said “have a great day because it might be the only one you have.” I want to live that way. Be grateful in all things.

Unfinished Conversations

I woke up this morning feeling much more peaceful than I have the last few days. It has been a very hectic three days and I had a lot on my mind. The conversations that need to be had and I have put off are the things that stress me most. I don’t know if I am alone in this, but, sometimes I know I need to make that phone call, or talk to that person I had a misunderstanding with or even visit someone that has been on my mind. I decided these unfinished conversations are mind bandits or show stoppers.
Mind bandits are the little voices in my head that are having the conversation over and over again without sharing them with the person who needs to hear them. My term bandits comes from how they steal my peace and rob my soul from feeling complete. When I just have the conversations in my head it doesn’t benefit anybody. I remember years ago I used to vacuum the floor daily ( we had dark green carpet and it showed everything) and have arguments with whoever I was upset with at the time while I was vacuuming. For some reason the physical movement gave my permission to be angry and push harder. Sometimes that carpet got extra clean. The only way to release those mind bandits from my mind is to have the conversation with the person it is meant for. I have written down many conversations to help take the wind out of the sails but it still needs to be said. Some of the scary conversations I have had were written down and I read them as a script so I could be clear and not forget all I wanted to say while feeling fearful.
I get stopped when I don’t have the conversations going on in my mind with whoever they are meant for. It is difficult to focus and work on other things, especially creatively when I know I need to get complete with someone. It’s a lot like incomplete projects. I have that on my vision board . “I complete projects.” I didn’t equate it to conversations until just now. When we have projects staring us in the face; the wall half painted, the wall paper half stripped off, the curtains need hemmed, birthday gifts wrapped, packages mailed, filing, filing and more filing, it is hard to focus on anything new. I can’t make dinner in a kitchen that is not cleaned. How can I possibly start a new project, have a genuine relationship , or be my true self if I am stopped with unfinished business?
There is a lovely music video by Lenka called Just enjoy the Show that has been playing in my mind today. I realized my life is the show and I’m not enjoying it if I am running around with conversations that are incomplete. Thus, the show stopper term evolved. Neil Maxwell said “moments are the molecules that make up eternity.” ” It is not so much the major events , as the small day to day decisions that map the course of our living.” What decision’s am I making that are mapping my course? Finishing the hard incomplete conversations is my first step. I finished two of those yesterday. Whew, that felt so good I woke up feeling peaceful this morning. I almost have the wall paper stripped thanks to my daughter’s wonderful help. Lenka’s song “I’m just a little bit caught in the middle of life is a maze,and love is a riddle slow it down , make it stop.” These words have stuck with me the past few days. Life is meant to live more fully, and I can do so as I take care of my mind bandits. I will enjoy the show. Hope you will too.