What's In It For Me?

I have not written in a long time. I have had multiple breakdowns and can give many excuses but the truth is I haven’t written. I miss it. There is a 12 step program for AA that is very powerful and teaches some great things. I have not intentionally been doing the fourth step but realized that is what has been happening in my life the past four months. Without planning or even acknowledging until recently I have been “making a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself.” Wow this has been tough! I asked last November if I could have the gift of discernment, if I could know what is true and real in all aspects of life. I also made a declaration that I would teach A Woman’s Voice seminar in 2015 and publish my book in 2015. It did not occur to me when I asked for that it would mean discerning what is true and real about myself, and I would be challenged so much on creating my seminar.  Thus, the journey began. It seems that every morning I woke up I was confronted with a new behavior about myself that really bothered me. It wasn’t just little things, but things I have been hiding about myself  my whole life. I am not a murderer or sinner of all the big sins, but I am not the person I want to be . I know I can have a light and a gift that will inspire others but I have not been using it to its full value. It’s been a little bit here and there not full out spread my light like a light house kind of thing.

One of my students once said “suffering is a life of the best university”. She then said “I am encouraged to overcome misery, and face hardship bravely. I tell myself I’ll become stronger, so I’m thankful for bitterness.” She is a brave girl. Now, I have to say I am a brave girl.The sorrow and pain I have experienced the past few months have been unbearable at times but it certainly makes the good days and joy more joyful.

There is a purpose in me teaching A Woman’s Voice. I feel many forces trying to stop me and make me quit. I taught women in China to have a voice,  and take a stand for themselves to make a difference in the world. It is time to teach women in America!  I am scared, nervous, excited and encouraged to keep moving forward to teach. Fear was a huge part of my experience while I was in China but I forged ahead and did things I didn’t think I could do. It taught how much fortitude I had and how anything was possible if I just said yes and did it anyway. There were many times I was lonely or worried about the next class, or speech I had to give. I didn’t want to feel the pain, I wanted to run from it and make it go away. The same thing happens for me now. I want to run from the pain but know that if I will only walk through it to the end that it will teach me more than I can imagine. I don’t know what is at the end of this moral inventory journey I am on. There will be the ups and downs and I accept them because I want to be more, more of what I am capable of being.If I am to help other women who feel badly about themselves, then I need to see myself for all I am and then accept all of me the good , the bad and the ugly. My life is good, it is full and has so much to be happy and grateful for. It is my being and who I am being that I am searching to make whole and complete with this process.

What’s in for Me, seemed to be the appropriate title for this blog because that is where I go every day. Why me God? What am I supposed to learn from this? What I am learning is; I am human, I have flaws I am not perfect and never will be. There might be someone who does not like me or I might not like someone. I might not be happy all the time or do or say all the right things. I am getting acquainted with all these weaknesses in myself so I can see where my strengths are. I have been watching myself go through this and feel a little like a thief. I have been stealing from myself what is possible for me and those I am in relationships with. When I am living my life more fully and with my gifts I have more to share. Remember we are all children of God even if we start out as resident thieves.