Being “still” is not my best talent. There’s always a myriad of things that need done and I believe there always will be. How do I catch myself and stop? I say “I’m alive today here in this spot of time, take a breath and be present to the moment.” It’s about being present I want to talk about. There are things I worry about that I have no control over. Are my kids making the right decisions? Does my neighbor need to change their lights out front? Is my dog going to live longer? Is our business going to grow? Is my friend choosing the best place to move to? These all seem like nonsense when I see them in writing, but they fill my thoughts and take me from being present to myself.Anyone I feel a concern for or take on as a project really does not have to be mine, it’s their life.
When I was 12 years old, my mother was home sick from work and while lying on the couch instructing me on how to make potato soup she had a stroke. Her instructions went from sauteing onions to putting the horses in the barn. I knew that didn’t seem right so I called for help. She recovered beautifully and continued on with her busy life of working 2 jobs and caring for my brother, father and I. What it left me with was a drive to help in any way I could. I started cooking every evening meal, grocery shopping and cleaning the house. I didn’t know I could do all this at such a young age but I did. Thus, my gift for cooking emerged. It was something I could do that helped my mom out and made me feel useful.
Throughout my life I have practiced my gift of cooking. When people are ill or down I bring them food. I started a catering business with my daughter who thought she wanted to attend Culinary school. It was a good lesson that taught her she indeed did not want to be a caterer. Whenever my kids brought friends home I fed them. There is always leftovers of something good in my refrigerator. You cannot come to my home and not be fed.
What I’ve learned from this is when there’s conflict or disruption in my life I push forward and usually a gift emerges.
When my last child was leaving home I felt empty inside and a huge disruption of my purpose in the home took place. When I asked God for my next assignment, the opportunity to teach in China arrived.Challenges presented as I prepared to go and I thought “I can’t do this.” Writing a five week curriculum and using power point(which I knew nothing about) was an obstacle. Losing my passport in the mail and driving 2 hours to Tucson for a new one was another hurdle. Arriving in a foreign land with language barriers, unusual food and smells slammed me briefly to the ground. I knew I was called in my heart to be in China but in the brief moments of difficulty I questioned my heart and my guide.
Once I surpassed the challenges I realized I had uncovered a gift . My teaching skills were okay when I arrived in China. People might say I was a good teacher, but the demands I faced there unveiled my true gift as a teacher and mentor. It unfolded like a caterpillar emerging from the cocoon into a butterfly.
My mantra was “stay present to each day’s experience”. Allowing my disruptions to teach me became my teaching tools with the students. Honest with where I was and what I was experiencing gave them courage to take on bigger things as well. I often told them “take on something bigger than yourself” and I did the same. As I did so, my adjustment to the environment became easier. The smells, food, people, accommodations and overall China experience became a part of me. Each day added more layers to the cocoon I was weaving. This happened because I accepted my current circumstances as a growth experience that would teach me.
Some might ask “Did it hurt to be in the cocoon? Was breaking out of it painful? My response is yes/no/maybe. Find out for yourself. Live in today’s challenges, don’t wish them away or hurry them. Learn from each experience and as you do you’ll break free from the cocoon and discover the gift of flight.
Hiding
There was a great game we played as children. The game of Hide and Seek. I am sure I felt a surge of adrenalin when I got found and let out a scream. Hiding has always been a fun childhood game, hide,find or jump out and scare someone. I just played peek a boo with my grandson via face-time on my phone. It made him giggle to seem me jump out from behind a blanket. It’s a fun acceptable game to play as a child but hiding as an adult is not acceptable if one wants to be self expressed in life.
I have hid most of my life. I was born the youngest in a family of 6 children. My mother told me I was planned to be the playmate of my brother who was 2 years older.My brother was my best friend. He was smart, fun, and popular. I hid a lot behind him. Until the day he left for college I was known as his little sister and I did not mind that. I learned the hiding game early. My older sisters asked my brother and I to go buy them Pepsi at the store up the street from our home. It was dark and we were scared so when a car drove by we hid behind a parked car.I hid from my dad when he got mad, my sister when she was looking for me, my parents when they fought, my teachers when my assignment wasn’t done. Hiding was my tool to not perform , get involved or face my fears. Fear was a common emotion for me. School was difficult for me and my grades were not great, therefore I hid my report card.
Today my hiding game most used is staying busy. I’ve always been busy, it works well for me. When I was a teenager I would stay busy working a job, playing with friends, cleaning house and cooking. Now I hide with jobs, church, house, kids, grand kids, cooking being a business manager and helping others. I am a natural hider.
Before I went to China I worked hard to not push myself too hard out of my comfort zone. When I learned of the opportunity to go teach in China it called and pulled at my heart so hard I could not deny it.I pushed through so many obstacle preparing to go, having no idea what would happen to me when I got there.
In China there was no hiding. I was and still am constantly called upon to step out of my sameness or usual routines. I never knew from day to day what would be asked of me. When I would be asked to give a speech, go to a meeting as a representative, lead a parade , speak to the graduate school of Psychology or answer multitudes of questions my answer was always YES. What I found is when I wrote down “I will go to other countries and empower women to take a stand for themselves and have a voice” I made a statement that brought me to life.
I watched the movie Inkheart with my grandsons. If the main character read the words in the book out loud the words came alive. The spoken worked is powerful. IF we write it, then speak it, it will come alive, it will be present, tangible and real.
Run Home!
When my son was 5 he got to start playing T-ball with the local community parks and rec. It was so much fun to go watch him play with all the other little guys. They were so proud to wear their shirts and matching hats that first big game day. My son got up to hit the ball and took the intentional step forward his coach taught him to do and swung hard, only to hit the t stand instead of the ball. He eventually hit it with a few tries. The parents in their lawn chairs visited with each other and a few got a little anxious when their child was up to bat. One of his teammates surprised us all when he got up for his first bat. He hit the ball with such force it flew over the pitchers head into center-field. He stood there not knowing what to do next. The coach encouraged him (as well as the audience) to run to first base. As he was running the boys in outfield were either catching bugs with their mitts or wrestling on the ground to see who could get the ball first. As the player reached second base the crowd of parents were yelling “RUN HOME” “RUN HOME”!! What happened next surprised us all and gave us a good chuckle. The little fellow ran past second base into the outfield towards the street. His mother got up from her seat laughing and ran after him, “he’s running home she said”.
How many times do you want to run home when things get hard or you don’t know how to do them? I know that was my first response my first three weeks in China last fall. It was hard and I just wanted to run home where it was safe, comfortable and easy. My entire being stretches and grows every time I go to China. I do things I never thought I’d do. When I am asked to speak on a subject I know nothing about I say YES. It is a constant movement of forward action in accepting challenge and change. I have come to realize though, that is where I come to meet my true self. I don’t meet myself when I am comfortable.I do so when I accept challenges that are uncomfortable.
I have a new job now and that is why I feel so much discomfort. It’s a challenge outside of my comfortable world. I am scared. I know there’s exhaustion as well as exhilaration in pushing forward, but I will do it.
Poppy was a student I interviewed to be a recipient of a generous scholarship. She had lofty goals that started as early as grade school even though she came from extreme poverty. She was chosen for the scholarship by myself and other committee members. In her letter of gratitude for the award she wrote “I can’t decide my birth, but I can decide my fate. I’ll always try my best to learn and gain all knowledge to enhance my ability to help more people. I’ll become a useful person to the society.”
I add my sentiments. I want to help people in every continent to grow , embrace the joy of awakening and become whole , complete and awake to their true self.
Do You Know How Great You Are?
I have an apology to make to all those who read my blog. I stopped writing when I returned from China 5 months ago. I’m sorry. It’s as though we had a lunch date every day and I just quit showing up. I’m back. I am still in the states but will return to China again in May. I have had numerous experiences since my return but life brings distractions and that’s my excuse.Lame as it may be it is what it is.
My students continue to inspire me with their determination to be perfect. Those who are graduating this Spring are taking a lot of graduate school exams. They keep retaking them to get better scores. It is quite remarkable to see their drive. I am quite sure I have never retaken an exam on purpose. Except life. I get a retake each day I wake up. When I open my eyes each morning to a new day it’s a retake.Maybe I didn’t get done what I wanted to yesterday or act on an inspiration, but with a new day I get to start over. That’s why I’m starting my blog again today. It’s a new day.
A good man looked into my eyes after a meeting last and looking into my soul said “Joyce do you know how great you are?” I was moved to tears and left the room crying. I wish I could look each of you in the eyes today and say: Do you know how great you are? Do you see beyond your physical shell? Retake your test today and do something you’ve been wanting to do or felt moved into action and have ignored. Just remember this ; “YOU ARE GREAT”.
My Departure
My departure, November 7, 2013
I am sorry I have left any of you hanging who have been following this blog. I arrived home a week ago and hit the ground running. I got home just in time to see my grandkids in Halloween costumes and dress up myself as a Chinese lady (I even got my nails painted before I left with Chinese characters on them.) On Friday I drove to California with my husband to see my son, daughter in law and new grandson. Life does not slow down, but my body is speaking to me to get more rest. The transition in time zones always takes a bit for me to adjust.
I was not prepared for the sadness to hit when I left last Thursday morning. At 6:30 am Grace, Catherine, Amber, Gloria, Linda, Rona, and Carol arrived to say goodbye and carry my entire luggage down stairs. Of course they came bestowing gifts upon me and so much love and tears flowed as we hugged and said our farewells. They are so generous with themselves to me and others. How can they ease my trip they ask? How can they share their love a little bit more? I just know they listen not only to what I say, but what I like. If they hear me say I like or want something they want to buy it for me. They brought me some gifts of things I saw on the street I don’t even remember liking until they gave it to me and I was reminded me of it. It is really quite incredible how warm and thoughtful they are.
I am relieved not to be a Rock Star. It can be wearing to always be on stage, be always ready for photos, and always read to give a word of counsel. At my party they all shared words of thanks and things they learned from me and then announced; “now Joyce will share her words of counsel on her departing.” They call me their “lucky bird” or angel. I believe they are my angels. They bring me so much love and light it is incredible. I just want to always be a light for them and bring them hope for a brighter future. When they bestow their gifts they thank me, hug me and bow. It is me that feels like the “lucky bird”.
The women who went with me to get my finger nails painted chose what the characters would say on them. On one hand it says “happy, happy all day, and the other hand “lucky all the time”. My life is richer due to them.
My flight home was long and tiring. I shared a seat with a delightful couple from Korea. The husband (Lee) had just retired from a broadcasting job and is visiting his wife’s sister in California. His English was good. I shared some candy with them a few times and his wife tried to refuse and said; “we have nothing to share with you”. I was eating some crackers later on and Lee bumped my hand and held out his hand smiling. I was glad he felt comfortable to ask. I showed them pictures of my kids and grandkids and she said; “oh you are rich”. Yes I am, I think it is pretty clear I am a lucky, rich girl.
I have already begun receiving my letters of gratitude from the students and requests for guidance. I call myself the Chinese version of Dear Abbey. I will share some of the letters in later posts. I cried when I got to China and now I cry when I return. The things they share with me are certainly a witness that they listen to what I teach and want desperately to live their lives full out. I am working to do the same here at home.
-Joyce